Dear Diary: I cannot hear, read, write, cry, and BREATHE

Dear Diary: I cannot hear, read, write, cry, and BREATHE

Am I a diary person? only sometimes. Honestly, I do not want to write diaries. Especially for those disturbed moments when you feel like how can I let go and move on. I do not want to remember the days/months/week when I am thinking what it is that I can do to stop the spread. 

I had a gone thru a long reader's block for a while since almost 2017 and just earlier this year went over it when I completed "The Alchemist". As I decide to read more and keep it going, I had added Trevor Noah's Autobiography "Born A Crime" on my Libby apps hold and there was a long hold that the app could not give me its estimated arrival. Just around when the Memorial day long weekend was around the corner, I see the book on my shelf and I am in a way happy that I finally have it. I started reading it and I am going through sleepless nights over how life was in South Africa even in late 80s. This kid is almost 10 years younger to me and still he suffered being a person of mixed race. I am upset but I know I will finish the book. I will keep the courage. 

All through April and May its all about the spread of this virus. These days all I can think about is the COVID 19 and any day evening is about starting local news so I am all caught up on what happened during day only in my area, blinding myself from the world, I see this video. I shout out "अरे हा मरेल रे!!! ते तीन पोलीस पाठ का दाखवताहेत?" "Oh shoot this person is going to die!!! Why the other 3 cops showing their back?" I could not read or hear what the reporter is saying, I almost know it all. Few days back I saw similar incidence on news when the guy is hiding behind the car and his life is all wasted cause someone thought he is the bad guy with weapon, and as my mind goes few years back I remember asking one of the consultants working with me from mid-west, is your area safe for you to go out as a person of color? In my mind, I suffocate with all the thoughts and I still feel I cannot cry either. I am angry and anxious. I really really cannot BREATHE.

As I remember I was thinking about the covid news and now I am shattered with someone loosing a life over discrimination, over racism.

Growing up I have seen discriminations of different kinds from where I belong, to a point I felt immune to such questions, now is not the time to rethink about those but yes I do think about a few. I see it sometimes around me even now for being a woman, or sometimes just being brown woman and then woman with little power when she work managing projects working with different color/gender team and I can clearly see in someone’s eyes or body language that they are thinking "oh, she is brown".

When I see the cops murdering someone at their wish, deep in my heart, I feel for what is going to happen. 

I have two boys and they would be considered as brown kids in schools/colleges and eventually to the real world where they belong. I am not sure when should be the right time for me to tell them that as much as I never probably have to explain you what a caste mean, now you are at a place, you should always remember that you are "not WHITE". Am I thinking straight? Well I am not thinking I guess and that's why it is not a good idea to write this diary. 

Its Friday and then the first official arrest happens. What changed between Monday and Friday I do not know. I am not interested in knowing anything around law and order and how it supposed to work when damage is already done. A life is lost over a twenty dollar bill. How do we get it back?

There would be protests everywhere I know but I never expected them to turn it into violence. I would not want looters to go out their destroying the already shattered economy. 

Saturday morning, I am trying to catch up with families in India during weekend, making sure my mom and dad still have the patience and strength to live without my sister visiting them or the maid helping them. Its strange how there is a constant something to deal with and you still feel you really are not doing anything for anybody. 

Here comes Saturday afternoon and I talked to my friend in Seattle and then first time after the Minneapolis issue, I talk to someone about it who is a dynamic white woman herself and saying things which means so much to clarify my own doubts and her own concerns. It’s a woman to woman mature discussion. 

How can this get fixed? We both know we cannot do anything but we should support, silently. We cursed how administrations could not still do a better root cause and help change mindsets and prejudice. Training officials is so essential and how it is still missing almost every such case.

Portland downtown, the Rose city is under curfew. The Protesters are closer to the building I used to work just a year ago. We do not know when can we feel rosy again. But I can certainly say the scar is always going to be there. I am sad and low. Its night time again and I do not have the courage to read remaining of "Born A Crime". I would still have a sleepless night. 

Dear diary, I cannot hear, read, write, cry or BREATHE. I don’t think I can think of any of the troubled soul resting in peace. It’s just insane to start a June with not summer on the mind but sorrow and distress to look forward to. 

-Aparna June 1st 2020.

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